"You would tell me, all about the mystery
you said you would always be shining in that sky
Mother Moon, do you see the sky is changing
getting bright all the time
I wish that we could stay this way
but I am bound for the sunrise
I’ve been changing, faster than I can see
I don’t even know me sometimes
It’s not easy, growing out of small things
spreading those big wings
I was on a flight a few weeks ago, and these words echoed through my ears as I flew from Detroit to California.
My dear friend Courtney introduced me to May Erlewine, seriously years ago now.
I have heard this song many times over the years, but this felt significant. I grabbed my notebook and started to write, and as I listed to this song on repeat... Here is what the Lord brought to my heart and mind...
Recently I have been part of some large and small conversations… internal pressure, external dialogue, words, feelings, questions, and so many thoughts. All of these conversations different in nature, but all significant. Conversations it would be easier to avoid. Conversations in my pit I get nervous about. Conversations that hurt, that feel freeing, where the outcome is uncertain. Honestly, conversations that if left unsaid might be easier to live with. Because they are unpredictable. And unpredictable is scary. It is hard. It is vulnerable. As a creature of habit, I hate unpredictable. I avoid unpredictable. Conversations I could keep hidden, I don't NEED to have, conversations that make me more exposed and transparent than covered and collected!
Here is what I have learned about difficult conversations… Have Them!
Plain and simple. Have them.
Have them with yourself, with others, with trusted friends… Seriously, Have Them!
And, keep having them!
Even when your heart is beating out of your chest, when you realize you cannot predict the outcome, when you feel slightly crazy, but 100% HONEST all in one moment!
Yes, Still Have Them!
What I have realized is that avoiding leaves room for wandering thoughts. Avoiding allows for shame, for insecurity, for more questions than answers. Avoiding keeps us captive, keeps us wrapped in the darkness of what ifs, keeps us questioning, and keeps us isolated. Keeps us TIED to our idea of control.
I am grateful for truth I know today because of these conversations. I am thankful to know where people stand. What boundaries I have to put in place to keep me healthy. Where we are taking root, where glimpses of light have been ushered into dark places, where truth is revealed, where I am growing.
For me, fear can drive so much of what I do, or not do. And fear is rooted in hard conversations. Fear of what the other person will do, think, or say. And truthfully, I want people to like me. I want to be friendly and fun, and all sorts of Awesome. Haha, don’t we all?! BUT my friends, the fun, friendly, all sorts of awesome me is sometimes judgmental, can get easily hurt, and is unsure of what is real. The fun, friendly me can do mental cartwheels to figure it all out. The fun, friendly me, can be rooted in fear, and can get VERY tired from this fear and isolation. BUT today… the me who has hard conversations, who welcomes pain, who grows from situations I wish were different, who likes to hear “Can we talk,” is more me than the 10-years-ago-me.
I am growing.
I am changing.
I am grateful.
It is not easy. In fact, there are many days where I wish I could re-do, where I have messed up, and conversations that I would love to have played out differently, conversations I wish I would have had earlier. BUT today my God is bigger. Bigger than the mistakes I make. Bigger than the dream I have of who I should be, or where I should be in my life. Bigger than expectations and fear. Bigger than uncertainty!
As I flew to California and heard May's voice ring through my ears, she says, "It is not easy growing out of small things"… I thought about the beautiful sunrise I saw in Kodiak, Alaska, this fall. I stood on the beach and watched the sun rise, and it rises for a very long time in Alaska. It seems like a million small seconds, minutes, until the glory is revealed all at once, and the sun finally breaks and rises. Out of darkness BRILLIANT lights. Yes, the SunRISE. It is possible because it breaks the darkness with glimmers of pink, yellow, orange… In the slivers of pitch black we see LIGHT! Small fragments of light, that turn into glorious colors all because it broke through the darkness.
Hard conversations are like that... moments of His glory in darkness. Words of truth that shatter the darkness, the image we have created or set for ourselves. The reckless abandon to His Light, His Love, His Truth... THAT ushers in the ability to REALLY See, to Speak, to Live!
Lets continue to break the darkness with His Light and with His Glorious Love!
So whether it is with friends, family, that relationship you are not sure about, work, envy, pressure, comparison, lies... lets start spreading those BIG wings. Lets take flight friends. Lets grow out of small things, small moments, small conversations, small truth. Where we tune our heart and mind to the Sunrise. Knowing, the darkness does come before the sunrise. It has to.
Broken fragments of light in dark places.
Today I am BOUND for the sunrise. Bound to be more me, to glorify Him.
I am bound for the sunrise and not the darkness.
Captive to His Truth, to His Light. Where I cannot fail or fall. Where shame is not allowed.
Lord, I am ready for the sun to rise. I am ready to be bold.
I am ready for you to shine in small things, in dark places. Ready for you to CHANGE me.
Lord, I am ready to see you shining… and I want to get brighter all the time because of YOUR light.
Lord SHINE your goodness in the broken, hurt, dislocated parts of me.
Lord… as things change my prayer is that you would be brighter in my life all the time.
Lord, I know with you and through you I am BOUND for a Sunrise!!!