I have noticed more lately this mental tug of war I find myself in. This questioning. This uncertainty. This evaluating stance. And I will be honest, I hate it!
It plagues me in the back of my mind. Some days are harder than others.
"What do they think?"
"What did I say?"
"Is it good enough?"
"Am I enough?"
"Do they Like me?"
"Did I do okay?"
The answers vary from person to person... nothing, something, yes, no, not today, not enough, maybe, better next time, needed more, didn't bring the A Game!
The TRUTH entering into this Fall Season... I will fail! In fact, I am going to fail! As a YL Staff person, as a friend, as a leader, as a sister, daughter, speaker, program teammate, listener, dog mom, neighbor, roommate... I am probably failing right now at something or many things.
There are so many opinions, thoughts, goals, ideas, and voices.
I have decided recently, it is too much for me. Truly, this can be all consuming if we let it. Mental cartwheels our thought life can be plagued by... And it is tricky because no one else needs to know. We can contain this, keep this to ourselves.
And now, I have to say no more. For me there is ONE voice... who declares my Victory.
In fact, I have the Victory because of that one voice. There is one voice that declares me His.
That voice Screams, "FREEDOM!" It does NOT scream Failure.
This summer taught me many things, but one big thing God has offered to me is the sweetness of His Freedom.
So often in my own life I want it all to be perfect. I want to get it right. I want to make sure I am enough.
BUT in Freedom, in my life hidden with Christ... the cartwheels cease.
Everything in the world is SCREAMING for me to stand firm, to hold it together, to pretend... Well Friends... the One Voice that beats in my heart and soul says simply, "Come to ME!" And my posture is for God to once again tell me, remind me, instruct me, hold me, challenge me, mold and change me!
Here is what I know today to be true... God is with me, He stands Next to Me, He PROTECTS me. IN Him I am enough, and in Him I have the Victory! Failing by human standards is NOT how we are measured by Christ... By Him Alone we have Victory!!!
We read this verse in Revelation 1 last week, and it is embedded in my spirit lately.
"And his face was like the sun in all its brilliance." Revelation 1:16
I want to be etched with the GLEAN of His Brilliance! That I would stand in His presence, and draw from His love, grace, mercy, goodness, patience, and from His Mighty Voice!!! Fully knowing, and fully aware I will never be enough. There will always be thoughts, opinions, and measurements... But my heart beats differently when I think of standing, facing the radiance of my God, and coming to Him with eyes that can barely open to take even a peek at ALL He is GIVING freely to me!!! The sweetness of that Freedom, His voice, and His powerful LOVE! That is where I have the Victory!
Dear Lord, Let me fail and be abounding in grace for myself.
Dear Lord, help me fail and see you at the other end reminding me I am not alone.
Dear Lord, there is freedom in failure! When I fail I am reminded again that I TOO need a Savior. That I am not God, and that at the end of the day it is NOT about me!
Lord, help me fail today! But fail with the eyes of grace, understanding, forgiveness, and mercy for myself and others.
Lord, help me to hear One Voice today.
Lord, remind me where Victory is found.
Lord, etch with the BEAUTY of Your Face!!!
Lord, that your Brilliance is ALL I cling to, all that defines me, all I know.
Lord, let me DANCE in your Brilliance and Glory!!! Remind me where the Victory is promised... and when it gets to be too much, give me a quiet space with a great bag of popcorn!!!